A Shine of Light

sean builds his houses in the finest neighborhoods * he has been a contractor now for twenty years * in that time he has earned the reputation that has skyrocketed his career * he builds to perfection * he has the unique ability to capture the heart of his clients through the work of his hands* building is seans escape * it is his wilderness * a place where he is the master of his destiny * but beyond his talent * beyond his gifting * beyond his creating is reality * sean often thinks to himself * if only i could stay in this moment forever * but life outside his sanctuary of peace always continues * he at some point * at some time * faces some of his most challenging endeavors * the times he is not doing what he is passionate and gifted at doing*

jeff i read the words on your pages and was inspired by what you had to share * favor * i have always had it * talent * it was my strength too * the ability to succeed at everything i put my hands to * we are alike in so much more than you could ever imagine * but there is something i do not understand * how is it then that i struggle with such insecurity * time after time it has been verified that i am doing everything right * but i do not buy into it * year after year i make the comment that if i died today i would be completely satisfied * but why are there times i am so dissatisfied with who i am and what i have done * i speak in front of people who give me accolades and compliments * but i want to hang my head and slide into the shadows * if everything is perfect * and may i admit it always is * it is still never good enough for me * this is the realm of my insecurity *

i will not ever come to you for religious advise * but i want you to know that i appreciate you speaking to me man to man * i reflected upon the words of my friend for days on end * i had been trying to help him for some time now but he seemed not to respond at all to me * i was not trying to be his parent * i was not trying to be his counselor * i was not even trying to be his pastor * i just wanted him to know i cared * but for weeks i got nothing * the cold shoulder * an arrogant remark * avoidance * and a show of no interest of what i was trying to do or be * i just wanted to be there * and i wanted to express my care and concern * and nothing in response * but now * that statement * powerful * moving * life giving * important * just a few characteristics for such a simple expression * it confirmed all i had hoped and desired in my heart * it did matter *

there are often ghosts at night in our rooms that we battle time and time again * this is the limit of our perfection * however secure we may become at the reality that our room is safe * there are always those times that the lights are dimmed and the shadows that lurk in the dark become our reality * it is not the fact that the ghosts are there and that they haunt our dreams that we struggle with the most * it is the fear of not knowing how to deal with them or what our response is to be when we feel their presence lurking * our ghosts are similar in that many times they are created by the very one who struggles with them * sean has been haunted for years by the responsibility he has outside what he is passionate at doing * likewise * i have been haunted by the fear of failure * but what is it that confirms within us that the room is safe to rest in * where do we draw our security * maybe if it can not come from within then we need to be looking outside our own rooms * outside our own endeavors * even outside ourselves *

* who will you let in to your darkest places to shine the light on your biggest fears *

Night Life

its six in the morning when i lay my head on my pillow and close my eyes* at a time near when most people are waking up I am finally going to bed * but this is not something uncommon in my life * it is normal * night is my canvas * a time and a place where a masterpiece is created * the art moves from shadow to shadow across the room * the sequence to the rythmn of the sounds of twilight * visualizations reflect every decision * every action * every spoken word and interaction * every mistake * every success recalled from the days activities * as i look at the portrait of the life i have painted for myself and that others have painted for me * i critique * i examine * i passionately become intimate with * and i dreadfully hate * as i go over every detail of the masterpiece in the shadows* while the twilight * through the night *

Alex

alex picks up the candy bar as he waits in the checkout line at the local grocery store * he thinks to himself * i could put this in my pocket right now and walk out of the store * but what would happen * maybe i would get away with it * maybe i would get caught and have the cops called on me by the store owner * so what * what would that feel like * who would care * in his mind he remembers his two brothers that only have him to rely on and the responsibility he has to protect them and keep them together * he puts the candy bar down and walks out of the store *

alex is a good kid * at such a young age in his life he has experienced hardships that many kids his age have never had to endure * after his dad left when he was very young it was hard enough to manage * but when his mom later decided she would abandon the family and leave alex responsible for two younger sibilings the struggles really began *

alex watched daily kids playing outdoors * kids going places with their parents * he heard his friends talking about allowances * getting grounded * eating home cooked meals * going fishing and hunting with their dads * and he longed to just be a normal kid * but alex could not have those luxuries * instead he had to be mom and dad and brother all at the same time *

it is soup again tonight * alex opened the can of cambells * awww stated his brothers * again * we always have soup * why can you make something else *alex responded * that is all we can afford right now * just shut up and eat it * the teenager came out of him * he quickly shifted back into a parental role * did you get your homework done * hurry up and finish so you can get ready for bed * i will read you a story before you go to sleep *

alex never questioned why he had to take on the parental role for his two younger sibilings * he never hesitated to ensure that they were together and that they were safe * it came second nature to him * like it had always been his responsibility * it had always been his mission in life * yes * there were times he hungered and longed for a better life for he and his brothers * but never a life seperated and institutionalized *

one thought that ran through alexs mind was the thought of one day giving up the parental role and allowing a parent to take he and his brothers in * he knew for sure he would never accept being split up * but one thing he questioned was what would it be like to give up the authority to another * to be a real teenager * to see his brothers loved * hugged * corrected * fed * bathed * tucked in at night * and read to by someone else * how would he respond to the same show of love and support * what if he allowed someone to come into his life only to be let down and abandoned once again * could he take such a chance with his heart * could he allow someone to do that to his brothers *

living with his heart opened but his hands fisted alex endured another day anticipating what was to come *