The Present

so there it was* under my christmas tree* the present* nothing like it had i ever seen before* but what did i expect i had never been loved like this before* it was so unimaginable how just a simple little thing like this could mean the world to me* i had received bigger things before* brighter things before* nicer smelling things before* even more attractive things before* but something about this present was like no other* it had meaning* it had value* it had purpose* it was mine and i was very happy*

snow fell on the small town of marionville this year* everyone rejoiced but one little girl* her name was karry* karry loved the snow just not this year's white wonder* one year it had been since she lost her mother* one agonizing* painful* lonely year without someone she was so closed to* someone she cherished* someone she thought would be there with her forever* it was amidst the falling snow last year that she held her mom's hand for the last time as the faint wisper of a promise came across her mother's lips* i'll be in your dreams forever* and karry replied* i'll never forget you* such powerful words* such powerful memories* such a powerful feeling of loss as the snow fell down on this time called the present*

the present for so many can be such a rush of the emotions* whether the joy of a tangible present one can hold and admire* or the hurt of the present one can live in and experience* the fact is that there is no greater present than that of the one that transends anything we could ever hope for or desire and expresses its love through the moments we can hold on to* it is the present that will never fail or forsake us* the present that will never let us down* a present that will last in eternity* it doesn't take a thought or emotion* it simply is a present that is* relive that present everyday and be greatful for this gift goes on*

even so we* when we were children, were in bondage under the elements of the world* but when the fulness of the time was come* god sent forth his son* made of a woman, made under the law* to redeem them that were under the law, that we might receive the adoption of sons* christian bible scripture

Paradox of our Time

A Deaf Culture

vulnerability* that is what it was when i shared my heart with you today* i felt like i poured out all that was within me* it was difficult* but i moved past my fears and anxiousness and opened up to you as my friend* my family member* my refuge* my hope*
you were there* you spoke to me* frequent uh huhs* sures* i understands* and then you did it you spoke the words that i cringe to hear* "i know what your going through"* taken back* appalled at such a poor judgment of words* i do not want to hear what you are saying* and then you did it to me* you tried to fix things*

i do not want to hear you because you are not willing to hear me* i never asked for an answer* i never wanted a response* i do not want you to know what i am going through* you are not me* only i can know that* i do not want to be fixed* to have the right answers* to make everything all right* i want to be where i am right now* in this emotion* amongst my own feelings* and all i want you to do is listen*

i live in a deaf culture today* people who have the ability to hear* but choose not to listen* hear me out* let it just be what it is* do not speak to my head* instead hear my heart* truly listen to the rhythm of its beats* follow the message it shares* and look beyond the misconceptions of the outer shell to see the real need for a listening ear deep down inside* a place where there is no wrong or right* just that it is what it is*

silence could be the greatest vaccine to cure our deaf culture*

A BandAid for a Broken Life

it was friday morning a very important day for sherri as she left her house headed for work * as she drove she thought about all of the goals that she wanted to accomplish that day * there was so much to do and so little time to do them in as was usual for every day too * but today was a little different * there was a little pep in her step * a little will to succeed * a desire to get it all done and still have time to enjoy for herself * sherri reached the parking garage and pulled into the first parking spot she could find and got out of her suv * that is when things really began to get interesting * when she neared the stairs she was still thinking of a plan that would help her accomplish all that had to be done for the day when she missed the sign that said wetstairs * she slipped * fell * and landed awkwardly on her leg * thinking now she had broken it she frantically and painfully looked around for what to do next * she reached for the rail but could not grab it * she called out but no one was around * finally she reached into her purse to only find an old Bandaid *

coming before the bishop a young man studying to be a priest knows that his future is in the hands of the man he stands before * nothing he can say or do can change the bishops decision and all the future of this man is wrapped up in this moment * if it had not been for past mistakes all might be well * but no one is perfect * we all make mistakes * but sometimes because of our mistakes the consequences can be greater than we can bear * it has taken years of preparation * training * studying * praying * believing * and serving * to get to this moment now * and a simple no from an authoritative figure could make it all worthless effort for the young man * the young man reaches deep inside for an answer but all he can find is pain and worry *

if ever he had needed a hand it was now * john struggled to see out of the small hole into which he had fallen thirteen feet down * earlier that day he was sure he had passed by that same area and didn't see a hole * but finishing his hike he decided to return to the area to rest and enjoy his dinner before it was time to step up his tent * last he could remember he was stepping on what seemed like a soft spot covered with leaves * an then * falling and falling and falling to the same spot he now lay hurting all over * barely able to move * with simply a bag of chips in his hand * john needed to scream as loud as he could * he tried * but all that came out was silent air

many times we find ourself in places where we face overwhelming odds * the unexpected comes and goes from day today * it creates for us inconvenience * stress * pain * and constant worry * sometimes no preparation could ever ready us for the circumstance that might be right around the corner * it is common for us to want to fix these things ourselves but sometimes our own voice can not reach the very top of our obstacle * our own worry can not get us through the giants we face* and our own bandaids can not fix our broken lives *

it takes something greater than what we have to offer to come to our rescue in times of trouble or doubt* something that sometimes is not even tangible or able to be seen or heard * this is the infinite wonder imposed on a finite being * the miracle of hope and faith * when the answer to your problem is not there in your hands try to find your answer in one who is greater than you and has all things under control *

No Tears For Me

i didn't think it would be this easy* me leaving and everything* of course i did not think it would be this hard either* mixed emotions* joyfully waiting* anxiously anticipating* sacred out of my wits* yet at the same time overwhelmed with excitement

as i pack up my things with exuberance and quickness* ready for the road ahead* something tugs at my heart like a boat ready to set sail yet still tied to the dock* there is a simple little reminder of you* i pick it up* i read it* i hold it close* i remember* oh the smiles* the tears* the laughter* the battles* so many emotions* so many things to recall* so little time before it is a thought in the past* a faded memory of who i once was

it should be easier than this* after all i have left others before* here one day gone the next* but this time is unique* this time is now*

i want no tears for me* no heart ache* no grief* not even a good bye* just a simple "until again" will do to get each of us through* this shall be the marker of a journey that never ends* but one that shall begin* again*again* and again* it is not a salutation but an invitation that keeps on giving of itself to friends and family who never forget and never close the door on wonderful relationships*

with that i make the last words of this post...

"until again"

Reflection

staring in the clear blue water i see myself* like looking in the mirror it shows every aspect of who i am* only reversed* at this point it doesn't matter what anyone else sees or interprets in the reflection* all that matters is what i see and how i view myself* that is hard for me because i can be my greatest critic* somewhere deep down inside i want to see greatness* purity* uniqueness* joy* a whole person* with everything all together* but something on the surface notices the negative things about myself* that i do not like*

i see all the blemishes* the paleness* the scars and wrinkles*

i am sucked into the image staring lost in a world of thought and wonder* i wonder what it would be like if the blemishes scars paleness and wrinkles were not there* it is at that point that a leaf falls into the water and the image is disturbed* i return from the world of wonder and again see deep inside*

i gain a sense of self worth just for a moment and i appreciate me* all that i am* all that i value* and all is well again* i stare as the ripples of the water move over my reflection and know all is going to be ok*

i learn something in that time of reflection* it is easy to doubt myself when i am distracted by all that is wrong and miss the valuable aspects of a life of purpose*

*walk away*

This is blasphemy...this is madness...this is church

the long boring sermon went on and one*no humor*no purpose*just rambling options about what he though was right and what he thought was wrong*but then the faint sound of snoring from the back captures my attention and i laugh a little on the inside*i am not alone* one more story and i will be done -- the fourth time he has made that statement and yet i still do not believe him* my butt is starting to hurt* it feels like it is 60 degrees in here* ahhhhh* why does she keep looking at me rolling her eyes*get me out of here now

whispers*did you know that sarah just stopped coming* i heard she now goes to the lake on sundays* really* i thought she was just embarrassed about being impregnated for the second time by the man she is not married to but sleeps with*huh* she doesn't even take care of that baby she has got right now* she left it a few weeks ago in a hot car all by itself* i heard cps almost took the baby from her* you know she is doing drugs again* well she better not come around my house that little slut drug dealer* hopefully she will not bring that spirit in this church* (sarah who has never done drugs and has never had sex walks out of the hospital sunday afternoon after donating a kidney to her diabetic brother)

beautiful aesthetics* lots of programs and events* friendly greeters at the door* expensive suits choir robes electronic equipment* large steeples* exciting fellowship gatherings* financial campaigns* coffee shops and restaurants* flyers mailouts promotionals* websites and podcasts* all inside

drunkards* homeless* lonely* radicals* liberals* atheists* agnostics* pagans and wicans* buddhists* homosexuals* thieves* murders* child molesters* rock and rap music* intellectuals* all outside

what seems so pretty on the inside really belongs on the outside and what seems so ugly on the outside should be on the inside* is this blasphemy...is this madness...no this is church* jesus came to seek and save what is lost not lose what could be saved* the church needs to be radical* it needs to tear down wall and barriers* it needs to be relevant* or it does not need to be at all

I Cried in the Wilderness

david sped up* faster*faster* his breath visible in the cold air as he gasped for every inhalation possible*no time for looking back* branches breaking under his feet as he journeyed deeper and deeper into the woods* away from civilization* away from people*away from the pain and suffering

just a single tree stood in the wooded area* old* weathered* enduring time* yet now withering away* the leaves had all fallen off its branches long ago and the bark on its trunk rots as the days go by*forgotten*abandoned*hope resting on the thought that one might just pass by


she was handed the paper by her teacher* he knew she had cheated on her final exam*F* the grade was obvious* had she have ever thought she would be caught the attempt would have never even been contemplated*but it was* guilt*humiliation *fear *hopelessness *a feeling of loneliness as if secluded in a vast and dangerous wilderness crossed her mind

i cried in the wilderness* no one was there* i so longed that someone would hear my plea* no one was there* tears fell in my wilderness* they never hit the ground* caught up in my frustrations they simply faded with time* anger in my wilderness* no one to blame* just my own ambition* neglect* choices* mistakes* why is none found in my wilderness*

a simple plea and there it is* a light shining through the darkness of the forest* a glimmering sign of hope* joy* peace* and there in the depths of my mind a small voice saying i am here in your wilderness* so i run to as fast as i can from the doubt that consumes my soul to the edge of my wilderness where life comes into view* i turn to see my wilderness behind me and without hesitation we return to life