The Door: A Story of Choice

michelle knew of a door that had never been opened before* she had seen the door many times but had never even ventured near the door* she witnessed many people coming in and out of the door many times in her life* all of their faces seemed confused and overwhelmed with grief* michelle therefore stayed far away from the door never anticipating that she would open it one day herself*

michelle was a very joyful person with a great outlook on her future* many would consider her a success at what she did* she had everything she ever wanted family* wealth* laughter* content* security* and so much more*
as michelle journeyed through life her path would bring her close to the door* close enough some times that she could reach out and touch it* but she would hesitate remembering her concern for the faces of the people she had seen coming in and out* how she never wanted to look like that* how she so wanted to continue the wonderful life she had just like it was without having to worry what lied behind the door*

but there began to be birthed deep down a thought in her mind if maybe her concern was for no reason* and that the door possibly was not as bad as she thought* i wonder what could exist behind the door she would ponder to herself* is there something i am missing* is there something more that could add greater value to my life* as she thought these things she eased closer and closer to the door* leaning up against it* straining to hear what was behind it* but there was no sound at all* she thought i will just turn the knob ever so gently and peek in* but nothing of any concern* maybe i will open it a little wider to get a better look* and she flung the door open* silence* peacefulness* such a woinderful feeling for michelle to think that her concerns were pointless*

michelle stood with the door open for what seemed like hours* things seemed so wonderful on the other side* but as time passed what was once a great feeling began to get scarier* darkness began to descend on the door* hurt and guilt started to set in* feeling like she did not belong there anymore forced michelle to set back in and close the door* but it did not budge* she pushed and she shoved with all of her might but the door stood its ground against her* out of the shadows came the most frightening thing michelle had ever seen and she screamed to the top of her lungs for help* it got closer and closer and closer until it its shadow enveloped her whole body*

at that point she was deperate and could do nothing but cry and hope for the best* but there at the worst time of her life two friends came to her side and togther all three forced the door closed on the darkness until the door was locked and nothing could get in or out* there michelle sat on the floor feeling overwhelmed with relief and accomplished* her battle was over* she could have never done it alone*

michelle returned to her happiness and went on with her daily routine just as she had before* she grew closer to her friends and they thought back on the experience they shared together that saved her life*but one day michelle thought about the door and wondered if the darkness was till there* she considered opening it, but this time just a crack*




*the door in this story represents a choice that we make each day to endeavor things that are harmful to our lives* to a young adult the door is a choice to venture into a bar and take the first drink of alchohol because he/she is of the drinking age* to single adult it is the visitation to a non-sexual porn site for the first time just to "see" what it is like* for a married man or woman it is the lustful look at someone else in the passing and wishing he/she was with them* for others it is the choice to lie* to cheat* to steal* to murder* etc*

the door is the enteryway to a place that is percieved as wonderful* satisfying* gratifying* full of wonder and amazement* at least until we face the dark consequences of venturing into a place not made for us where we do not belong*

inside the door we get caught up and trapped in the addictions while being battered by the consequences* and by ourselfs we cannot defeat them* it takes the accountabilty of friends to help us remove ourself from the darkness and close the door and ensure that it is locked*

once we have opened the door* seen what was on the other side* and even been delivered from it* the battle to never open the door continues the rest of our life* it is not ok to journey near again* it is not ok to take a peak* it not even ok to listen close or feel the texture of the wood* stay near your friends and never forget what it was like to be in the situation and how hard it was to overcome*

A Burden to Belonging

luke is my best friend* we grew up together playing in the woods* going to movies* hanging out at each others houses* talking about life issues* laughing about good times* crying about difficult times* if someone messed with luke i had his back and i always knew he had mine* luke and i would get in trouble setting off smoke bombs in front of a neighbors house* ringing the door bell* and then running as fast as we could and hiding just so we could watch the expression on the persons face as they struggled through the smoke to try to find the pranksters would would do such a thing* my grandmother died when i was ten and luke was there by my side the whole time* this was a very difficult point in my life* it was good to have a freind who lifted my spirit*

today though i met luke for the first time ever although we have been friends for over twenty years* luke and i went our seperate ways* i became a teacher* luke became an optomatrist* i gave luke a call and asked if he wanted to get together and hang out maybe hit one of our burger-joint hangouts and he agreed saying he wanted to ask me something* we met* caught up on old times* laughed a bit* and then came the question that i will never forget* would you still be my friend if i told you i was gay* i thought it was one of his ways of poking fun at me* i thought maybe he is playing the devils advocate* could it be that he is really gay* hundreds of questions rushed through my mind* the silence at the table was unprecedented* was he gay when we were kids* was he attracted to me* does being friends with someone who is gay make me gay* what would others think about me now that my best friend is gay* in a moment whether right or wrong i felt the burdon of the world had just been laid on my shoulders*

several weeks went by and i had not spoken to luke* i needed time to think* i needed time to cope* i had questions in my mind* i needed to understand this thing fully before i could answer his question* during this time two senarios played through my head that went a little like this --

senario one* i would avoid luke and just go on with my life* not have anything to do with him anymore* after all I could find a new bestfriend couldn't i* i would not tell him i had a problem with him being gay* i would just slowly slip away* ignore his calls* avoid his emails* maybe he would forget me over time and get the point on his own* this seemed easy for me* that way i would never have to confront him* i would not have to struggle with my disagreeing with his choices* i would save myself the embarassment of being in public with a known homosexual*

senario two* but then i thought about how luke was there by my side through the most difficult time in my life when my grandmother had died* i realized that there was a reason that we had been bestfriends for so long and shared so much laughter and so many tears* i also understood that what luke shared with me was probably as difficult for him to share as it was for me to hear but he had been open and up front with me* i thought about some of my imperfections how i had struggled with lust for women* about lies i had told to teachers and to my parents growning up* i realized that maybe there were some things about me that were not so perfect and that maybe i needed to be honest with myself about* it was going to be difficult -- but that is the gift of life that we will struggle and we will walk with others in their journey as they walk with us in ours*

each day more and more people admit to struggling with homosexual tendancies* our culture is emersed in a battle between what of this is right and what of this is wrong* and while i might not condone the act of homosexuality just as i would not agree with looking at porn or high consumption of alchol or even the use of illegal drugs i thought of a quote i heard many years ago that people need a place to belong before they need something to believe* luke needed a place to belong*

it was an afternoon two weeks later when i picked up the phone and gave luke a call* i shared with him my appologies for the distance i had put between us* he shared his understanding* this was the first of many calls to follow*

The Present

so there it was* under my christmas tree* the present* nothing like it had i ever seen before* but what did i expect i had never been loved like this before* it was so unimaginable how just a simple little thing like this could mean the world to me* i had received bigger things before* brighter things before* nicer smelling things before* even more attractive things before* but something about this present was like no other* it had meaning* it had value* it had purpose* it was mine and i was very happy*

snow fell on the small town of marionville this year* everyone rejoiced but one little girl* her name was karry* karry loved the snow just not this year's white wonder* one year it had been since she lost her mother* one agonizing* painful* lonely year without someone she was so closed to* someone she cherished* someone she thought would be there with her forever* it was amidst the falling snow last year that she held her mom's hand for the last time as the faint wisper of a promise came across her mother's lips* i'll be in your dreams forever* and karry replied* i'll never forget you* such powerful words* such powerful memories* such a powerful feeling of loss as the snow fell down on this time called the present*

the present for so many can be such a rush of the emotions* whether the joy of a tangible present one can hold and admire* or the hurt of the present one can live in and experience* the fact is that there is no greater present than that of the one that transends anything we could ever hope for or desire and expresses its love through the moments we can hold on to* it is the present that will never fail or forsake us* the present that will never let us down* a present that will last in eternity* it doesn't take a thought or emotion* it simply is a present that is* relive that present everyday and be greatful for this gift goes on*

even so we* when we were children, were in bondage under the elements of the world* but when the fulness of the time was come* god sent forth his son* made of a woman, made under the law* to redeem them that were under the law, that we might receive the adoption of sons* christian bible scripture

Paradox of our Time

A Deaf Culture

vulnerability* that is what it was when i shared my heart with you today* i felt like i poured out all that was within me* it was difficult* but i moved past my fears and anxiousness and opened up to you as my friend* my family member* my refuge* my hope*
you were there* you spoke to me* frequent uh huhs* sures* i understands* and then you did it you spoke the words that i cringe to hear* "i know what your going through"* taken back* appalled at such a poor judgment of words* i do not want to hear what you are saying* and then you did it to me* you tried to fix things*

i do not want to hear you because you are not willing to hear me* i never asked for an answer* i never wanted a response* i do not want you to know what i am going through* you are not me* only i can know that* i do not want to be fixed* to have the right answers* to make everything all right* i want to be where i am right now* in this emotion* amongst my own feelings* and all i want you to do is listen*

i live in a deaf culture today* people who have the ability to hear* but choose not to listen* hear me out* let it just be what it is* do not speak to my head* instead hear my heart* truly listen to the rhythm of its beats* follow the message it shares* and look beyond the misconceptions of the outer shell to see the real need for a listening ear deep down inside* a place where there is no wrong or right* just that it is what it is*

silence could be the greatest vaccine to cure our deaf culture*

A BandAid for a Broken Life

it was friday morning a very important day for sherri as she left her house headed for work * as she drove she thought about all of the goals that she wanted to accomplish that day * there was so much to do and so little time to do them in as was usual for every day too * but today was a little different * there was a little pep in her step * a little will to succeed * a desire to get it all done and still have time to enjoy for herself * sherri reached the parking garage and pulled into the first parking spot she could find and got out of her suv * that is when things really began to get interesting * when she neared the stairs she was still thinking of a plan that would help her accomplish all that had to be done for the day when she missed the sign that said wetstairs * she slipped * fell * and landed awkwardly on her leg * thinking now she had broken it she frantically and painfully looked around for what to do next * she reached for the rail but could not grab it * she called out but no one was around * finally she reached into her purse to only find an old Bandaid *

coming before the bishop a young man studying to be a priest knows that his future is in the hands of the man he stands before * nothing he can say or do can change the bishops decision and all the future of this man is wrapped up in this moment * if it had not been for past mistakes all might be well * but no one is perfect * we all make mistakes * but sometimes because of our mistakes the consequences can be greater than we can bear * it has taken years of preparation * training * studying * praying * believing * and serving * to get to this moment now * and a simple no from an authoritative figure could make it all worthless effort for the young man * the young man reaches deep inside for an answer but all he can find is pain and worry *

if ever he had needed a hand it was now * john struggled to see out of the small hole into which he had fallen thirteen feet down * earlier that day he was sure he had passed by that same area and didn't see a hole * but finishing his hike he decided to return to the area to rest and enjoy his dinner before it was time to step up his tent * last he could remember he was stepping on what seemed like a soft spot covered with leaves * an then * falling and falling and falling to the same spot he now lay hurting all over * barely able to move * with simply a bag of chips in his hand * john needed to scream as loud as he could * he tried * but all that came out was silent air

many times we find ourself in places where we face overwhelming odds * the unexpected comes and goes from day today * it creates for us inconvenience * stress * pain * and constant worry * sometimes no preparation could ever ready us for the circumstance that might be right around the corner * it is common for us to want to fix these things ourselves but sometimes our own voice can not reach the very top of our obstacle * our own worry can not get us through the giants we face* and our own bandaids can not fix our broken lives *

it takes something greater than what we have to offer to come to our rescue in times of trouble or doubt* something that sometimes is not even tangible or able to be seen or heard * this is the infinite wonder imposed on a finite being * the miracle of hope and faith * when the answer to your problem is not there in your hands try to find your answer in one who is greater than you and has all things under control *

No Tears For Me

i didn't think it would be this easy* me leaving and everything* of course i did not think it would be this hard either* mixed emotions* joyfully waiting* anxiously anticipating* sacred out of my wits* yet at the same time overwhelmed with excitement

as i pack up my things with exuberance and quickness* ready for the road ahead* something tugs at my heart like a boat ready to set sail yet still tied to the dock* there is a simple little reminder of you* i pick it up* i read it* i hold it close* i remember* oh the smiles* the tears* the laughter* the battles* so many emotions* so many things to recall* so little time before it is a thought in the past* a faded memory of who i once was

it should be easier than this* after all i have left others before* here one day gone the next* but this time is unique* this time is now*

i want no tears for me* no heart ache* no grief* not even a good bye* just a simple "until again" will do to get each of us through* this shall be the marker of a journey that never ends* but one that shall begin* again*again* and again* it is not a salutation but an invitation that keeps on giving of itself to friends and family who never forget and never close the door on wonderful relationships*

with that i make the last words of this post...

"until again"