A Burden to Belonging

luke is my best friend* we grew up together playing in the woods* going to movies* hanging out at each others houses* talking about life issues* laughing about good times* crying about difficult times* if someone messed with luke i had his back and i always knew he had mine* luke and i would get in trouble setting off smoke bombs in front of a neighbors house* ringing the door bell* and then running as fast as we could and hiding just so we could watch the expression on the persons face as they struggled through the smoke to try to find the pranksters would would do such a thing* my grandmother died when i was ten and luke was there by my side the whole time* this was a very difficult point in my life* it was good to have a freind who lifted my spirit*

today though i met luke for the first time ever although we have been friends for over twenty years* luke and i went our seperate ways* i became a teacher* luke became an optomatrist* i gave luke a call and asked if he wanted to get together and hang out maybe hit one of our burger-joint hangouts and he agreed saying he wanted to ask me something* we met* caught up on old times* laughed a bit* and then came the question that i will never forget* would you still be my friend if i told you i was gay* i thought it was one of his ways of poking fun at me* i thought maybe he is playing the devils advocate* could it be that he is really gay* hundreds of questions rushed through my mind* the silence at the table was unprecedented* was he gay when we were kids* was he attracted to me* does being friends with someone who is gay make me gay* what would others think about me now that my best friend is gay* in a moment whether right or wrong i felt the burdon of the world had just been laid on my shoulders*

several weeks went by and i had not spoken to luke* i needed time to think* i needed time to cope* i had questions in my mind* i needed to understand this thing fully before i could answer his question* during this time two senarios played through my head that went a little like this --

senario one* i would avoid luke and just go on with my life* not have anything to do with him anymore* after all I could find a new bestfriend couldn't i* i would not tell him i had a problem with him being gay* i would just slowly slip away* ignore his calls* avoid his emails* maybe he would forget me over time and get the point on his own* this seemed easy for me* that way i would never have to confront him* i would not have to struggle with my disagreeing with his choices* i would save myself the embarassment of being in public with a known homosexual*

senario two* but then i thought about how luke was there by my side through the most difficult time in my life when my grandmother had died* i realized that there was a reason that we had been bestfriends for so long and shared so much laughter and so many tears* i also understood that what luke shared with me was probably as difficult for him to share as it was for me to hear but he had been open and up front with me* i thought about some of my imperfections how i had struggled with lust for women* about lies i had told to teachers and to my parents growning up* i realized that maybe there were some things about me that were not so perfect and that maybe i needed to be honest with myself about* it was going to be difficult -- but that is the gift of life that we will struggle and we will walk with others in their journey as they walk with us in ours*

each day more and more people admit to struggling with homosexual tendancies* our culture is emersed in a battle between what of this is right and what of this is wrong* and while i might not condone the act of homosexuality just as i would not agree with looking at porn or high consumption of alchol or even the use of illegal drugs i thought of a quote i heard many years ago that people need a place to belong before they need something to believe* luke needed a place to belong*

it was an afternoon two weeks later when i picked up the phone and gave luke a call* i shared with him my appologies for the distance i had put between us* he shared his understanding* this was the first of many calls to follow*