Friday, August 16, 2019
Perspectives of Struggle
Sunday, July 31, 2011
A Shine of Light
jeff i read the words on your pages and was inspired by what you had to share * favor * i have always had it * talent * it was my strength too * the ability to succeed at everything i put my hands to * we are alike in so much more than you could ever imagine * but there is something i do not understand * how is it then that i struggle with such insecurity * time after time it has been verified that i am doing everything right * but i do not buy into it * year after year i make the comment that if i died today i would be completely satisfied * but why are there times i am so dissatisfied with who i am and what i have done * i speak in front of people who give me accolades and compliments * but i want to hang my head and slide into the shadows * if everything is perfect * and may i admit it always is * it is still never good enough for me * this is the realm of my insecurity *
i will not ever come to you for religious advise * but i want you to know that i appreciate you speaking to me man to man * i reflected upon the words of my friend for days on end * i had been trying to help him for some time now but he seemed not to respond at all to me * i was not trying to be his parent * i was not trying to be his counselor * i was not even trying to be his pastor * i just wanted him to know i cared * but for weeks i got nothing * the cold shoulder * an arrogant remark * avoidance * and a show of no interest of what i was trying to do or be * i just wanted to be there * and i wanted to express my care and concern * and nothing in response * but now * that statement * powerful * moving * life giving * important * just a few characteristics for such a simple expression * it confirmed all i had hoped and desired in my heart * it did matter *
there are often ghosts at night in our rooms that we battle time and time again * this is the limit of our perfection * however secure we may become at the reality that our room is safe * there are always those times that the lights are dimmed and the shadows that lurk in the dark become our reality * it is not the fact that the ghosts are there and that they haunt our dreams that we struggle with the most * it is the fear of not knowing how to deal with them or what our response is to be when we feel their presence lurking * our ghosts are similar in that many times they are created by the very one who struggles with them * sean has been haunted for years by the responsibility he has outside what he is passionate at doing * likewise * i have been haunted by the fear of failure * but what is it that confirms within us that the room is safe to rest in * where do we draw our security * maybe if it can not come from within then we need to be looking outside our own rooms * outside our own endeavors * even outside ourselves *
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Night Life
Monday, February 21, 2011
Alex
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Spoken
my father spoke with my teacher that night at the parent teacher conference * she told him of the many great things i had done in her class * how i was a good girl and did everything she felt a six year old should be doing in class* i was very happy to see how pleased he was * but not as happy as i was excited for my dad to see my work displaying a happy face hanging on the wall * so while my dad spoke to my teacher i tugged and pulled on his shirt sleeve * dad * i said * dad * hey dad * daddy * as he continued his conversation ignoring my pleas for his attention I began to wine * but dad * dddaaaddddyyyyy * sweetheart we must not interrupt an adult conversation * wait one minute * but daddy * do not interrupt * ok * so i waited but I could not stay still * when my father finally realized my urgent patience he responded with * now what do you want to show me darling * look * i said with the greatest pride * my work * my smiley face * i spoke with exuberance and great joy *
spoken words * treasures from the head and the heart * but what it takes to speak those words is sometimes as difficult if not more difficult than the consequences that come from what has been said * why should things be spoken * because once it is out there is the possibility of peace within * spoke * speak * spoken *
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Situation Awareness
sam was leaving the baseball field after a long three hour practice with his team * the playoffs were coming up and so the extra time had to be out in so that they could be sure to place in this years tournament * sam was tired and worn out after the long practice so he just wanted to get in his car and drive home * as he approached his car he saw leaning against a nearby vehicle one of his teammate who seemed to be crying * sam considered walking up and asking what was the matter but he hesitated * after all it had been a long practice and he was very tired at the moment * sam put the key in his ignition but stopped briefly one more time to consider whether or not he should offer assistance to his teammate * no he thought he will be ok * i need to go home and get some rest * i will see him again tomorrow and if there is still an issue maybe i talk to him about it then * sam started his car and drove away *
the jazz club was the place to be tonight as lanesha and damion walked in and took their normal seat at the bar * the music was right on and the ambiance was just perfect for a romantic evening * lanesha and damion were newly married and had committed to a night out once a week at their favorite club in town * at the jazz club they enjoyed listening to the smooth sounds of the music while they stared into each others eyes wondering how they could have ever been without one another * this couple was in love and it was more than just obvious * after a few moments of being seated lanesha got up to go to the restroom * while she was gone damion decided to order their food and drinks * the waitress brought the food and drinks out to them just as lanesha returned to the table * as she sat down she tipped over her purse and out came a pill bottle * being a gentleman damion reached to pick up only to realize someone elses name was on the prescription medicine *
it is the constant changes around us that seems to slip through our hands * or do they * maybe they have been in our hands all along but we were not aware of the situation and neglected to ask any questions or stop for just one moment to notice * my project was never the same as it could have been if i had only gone a little ways further to see it done right * is there something that needs our focus that we have neglected or avoided * are you the recipient of responsibility and yet you choose to bypass or ignore that responsibility because it takes you out of your comfort zone * sams teammate did not go home that night nor was he ever able to play for the team again * lanesha laid her head on the table and closed her eyes for the last time * neither sam nor damion had a clue that their awareness was important in the choices their friends and loved ones made *
seeing beyond the ridge of our nose will take us to small places with large windows *
Monday, April 6, 2009
The Shattered Glass
he had only been at his friends house for a few minutes when he accidentally bumped the the antique glass pitcher and watched it shatter on the floor* devastated the teenager fell to the floor reaching for the pieces as if he could somehow save the valuable heirloom* to late - what was once one of the most treasured belongings his friend's mother owned had become no more than a pile of glass* shattered* destroyed*it was her favorite piece that had been passed down from generations of women starting with her great, great grandmother* now it was nothing but pieces of glass scattered on the floor* after breaking the antique pitcher and staring at the shattered pieces on the floor the boy burst into tears* all he could ask himself is how could this happen* he left that day feeling shame and guilt inside as if his world had ended*
as a man i look back on my childhood* the years in middle school where i was picked on and bullied* many days i came home to an empty house and i would quickly escape to my room and think about ending my life* with self esteem shattered* with confidence in myself shattered* with hope shattered* with a sense of self worth and value shattered* the pieces were scattered and i could not see with my own eyes how they could ever be whole again*
miranda was only seventeen years old* how could it be that at such an early age* an innocent age* that a boy could break her heart* what went wrong* how did it all happen* she could only make sense of some of the details of their breakup since it happened so fast* she felt so used* she felt so dirty* shattered was her dreams of marrying this boy* torn to pieces was her self esteem* broken was her heart which was one so trusting and vulnerable* she looked in the mirror that night and stared into the eyes of a confused and lost woman where once a young innocent girl once looked*
the boy who had broken the antique pitcher returned to his friends house the next day* he had tossed and turned all night with the pain and humiliation of something so dreadful happening to him* now he had to face his friends mom and see the hurt in her eyes* he knocked and entered their house feeling for once like an intruder* like he did not belong* he met his friends mother in the kitchen with his eyes on the floor* tears falling* ashamed of life* she gently lifted his eyes to meet hers and wrapped her arms around him holding him close as she spoke these words ever so softly* i heard what happened to you yesterday* i am sorry that it upset you so badly* can i show you something i made* then she led him into the living room and pulled out a small mosaic filled with all the pieces of glass from the broken picture* you see* although the pitcher was broken and it could never return to its original form* the shattered pieces can be used to make something even more beautiful and valuable that ever before*
the broken pieces of the pitcher became a beautiful mosaic and was restored to a beauty beyond that of what it was before* likewise i became a stronger man more compassionate for those less fortunate than i because i knew what it was to be less fortunate* and the young girl who had her heart shattered can know what true love is because she has experienced the hurt and pain of a shattered relationship*
there is a reflection of hope in the shattered glass that only a trained eye can see* eyes tested by time* focused in faith* persuaded by purpose* may your shattered pieces be restored once again*